So when does it stop? When do I stop hurting? When do I stop being angry? When do I start to trust anyone again? How come you get to just go on with your life like nothing happened? You committed murder in a way. You took the person I was and YOU KILLED HER!!  You snuffed her out like a candle flame and walked away. You drowned her with promises and then held her head under. Then you laughed and walked off to your new life. I pray to God every day that you haven't done this to yet another unsuspecting woman. I pray that you are cold, hungry and miserable. I pray that the INS ships your charming ass back to pakistan where you can dodge bombs with your taliban loving family. You  and the others like you make me sick. You are evil personified....you use and abuse to get what you want all in the name of the god you claim to love and fear.

You will have to answer for your crimes one day. I for one hope God is not merciful.

It has occurred to me that I have been neglecting my "public" blog. I have been pretty wrapped up in my angsty personal writing for awhile. So, as of today, I will make an effort to visit here at least 3 times a week.  It's nice to be able to just talk to whomever happens along!

Today I took a personal day from work and just relaxed all afternoon (ok that was after bathing the dog, doing laundy, and taking him to the vet for a nail trim). My son dropped by for a little visit. It was nice to see him. While he was here his sister called from Hawaii. She wanted to tell us that Justin has been stop-lossed and will be shipping out to Iraq for a 4th tour in March. That means I am going to have to go to Hawaii if I want to see the baby. So I guess I will be shopping plane tickets. OMG I hate to fly! But it will be worth it once I am there .

So I have taken yet another Tblog vacation. Where to? Nowhere much. Let's start my update!

* That job I hate so much...still there and may become a supervisor.

* Moved to a new one bedroom condo that I love.

*My ass is still big enough for it's own zip code.

*My heart is still with A...I guess that is the one constant in my life. Why mess with a good thing right?

*Daughter is still in Hawaii. She is having a baby in December. Not sure how I really feel about that right now.

* My son...yes the one I thought was a hopeless mess...has enrolled in college. (Note to self: You did not fail!)

So where am I going? I still don't know. I do like where I am in my life right now. It's a new chapter, a new time. I like being free to make choices that only affect me. For 20 years I only lived to care for those in my home. My dreams and wants were put on hold to give to others what they needed. It's a feeling that I am still getting used to but I like it.

So just what is the deal with Dr. Phil anyways? Is he even a real doctor (I am thinking nooooooo). Where does he get off making a buck off of other peoples misery? It seems like he is everywhere I look these days. LOL who is going to take diet advice from a big fat bald guy?!?

I guess I am also wondering where in the world they get these people from that come on shows like Maury and Dr. Phil. Who in their right mind would come on TV and expose themselves to be huge losers? I never cease to be amazed when I see shows devoted to proving a parent molested a child....is this entertainment?? It's sick!! If I was going to prove someone hurt my kid it wouldn't be on TV....it would be in a police station.

What a sad thing that misery has become entertainment. What happened to shows that lifted us...made us laugh and made us think? Bring back Mr. Rogers. At least in his neighborhood we all knew who the baby's daddy was. 

Well here I am again....one day after the old birthday. As usual I have spent the previous week examining my life and trying to make sense of the last year (which I of course can not.). Some things never change with me.

I still miss A to this impossible degree.

I STILL hate my job.

I still refuse to settle for less than I really want.

My ass still has it's own zip code....

SO what's changed?

I am a grandma (well so she tells us...still no DNA to back that up).

My daughter has moved away from home....far away...like in hawaii.

My son is back in school.....*faints* (at his current pace he may graduate by age 40). 

It is said that worry is a great waste of imagination. Perhaps I should start channeling my energies back into something more productive?

Every once in awhile I have the need to come here and give myself an update. LOL it's not like anyone reads this damn thing anyways.

Soooooooooooo...here goes.

I am:

Still mad for A.(still beyond reason/to distraction/more than my life).

Still working at a crappy job I hate.

Mad that I am going to be a grandma before I am 45.

Still hating my hair ( which is coming in gray faster than I can say pass the Clairol)

Still hating my ass (which now has it's own zip code). 

Still choosing to be alone rather than settling for less than I want.

Well. Go figure. Not much has changed. 

12:42 AM and it's raining. The rain always turns my thoughts to you. Where are you my angel? Are you smiling now? Is it raining there too? The rain always feels like a cool kiss to my skin...how I wish I could run naked through it!

I am yours, however distant you may be!

Your sorrow, when you grieve, brings grief to me...

There blows no wind but wafts your scent to me...

There sings no bird but calls your name to me...

Each memory that has left its trace with me

Lingers forever, as if a part of me.

The heart takes flight

at the mere thought of you.

Smiles arrive

randomly.

Flying

high on love.

Isnt it odd how one person can be inspired by something while another remains unmoved? I was told I inspired someone today. I look in the mirror and I see nothing inspirational....I just see plain old me. Me thats tired and grouchy in the mornings...me who cries over sappy love songs...me who just burnt my toast. Nothing inspirational there folks.

So what inspires me? When I look around at all of God's grand creation its pretty awe inspiring. A good sunset or a butterfly always stops me in my tracks. But when it comes to people I find its hard to be inspired anymore. The people around me dont seem genuine. Its hard to be inspired by posers. Once in a great while I will meet someone who makes me feel like wow life is worth the fight....wish I was around more of them.

Today I am inspired by:

Hocine

Abid

Ruqi

I have this friend that I care about quite a lot. Even though we have never met physically I feel a deep connection. I really care about what happens to this friend. See, he and I are much alike. We both have this huge amount of pain and angst that we wear like a crown of thorns....it hurts like hell but you are afraid to pull out the thorns for fear you will bleed to death. There is this unimaginable crime we have committed and each of us refuses to forgive ourselves. How can a person have redemption if they feel they cannot even extend mercy to themselves? My friend one day said he felt like a one eyed monster... I wish so much I could get him to step away from the mirror and see himself with my eyes. He would find that the monster does not exsist! He would see that warm, caring guy with the beautiful heart.

My friend, I cannot slay the dragons in your head....but I can hold your hand while you look him square in the eye. I will always be there for you.

It's like I just can't get off of this ride...around and around we go. Never stops...just slows down a bit before careening off at full speed again. Most days I just hang on for dear life and hope that I don't get dizzy. How long must we do this? Will I spend the rest of my days trying to "just hang on"? Or will the grand poobah of the universe finally cut me break? I just wish I could put my feet on solid ground....

I am finding it difficult not to think of you every moment today. Your words are like water to my parched soul. I had forgotten how it feels to be spoken to so sweetly. There is part of me that wants to let the walls down and let you inside. The other half tells me no....its too soon to feel anything.

I can't ignore what I feel. So I hope you will be patient with me.

I can't tell you that I still lay awake at night and think of your smile... Or that the sight of you still makes my heart flutter....Rain still makes me smile as I tip my face to the sky. (I still remember the kisses.)

You are a dream that remains just out of my reach...

I have a confession to make. I am addicted to the PBR...yes thats right, bull riding. Every saturday and sunday night I am glued to my TV watching the battles between cowboy and bull.

Why you ask? I love the bulls! What athletes they are. They have their own styles and personalities that make them fun to watch. Maybe I am a bit of a thrill junkie too. I always wonder what that has to feel like riding a 2,000 lb bull .

Call me a redneck but I am still watching